Shenlong!!
by Lordessa
Summary: Why is Shenlong always in a hurry? Where does he go? Whatever happened to Dougie Hauser? Find out all this and more, except for the Dougie Hauser, when you read Shenlong!! Seriously, what DID happen to Dougie Hasuer? I really wanna know.


Shenlong!  
  
You know after reading the title that you're just dying to read this!  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own DBZ or any of its characters, I realize how that must shock you so. Nor do I own Dougie Hauser... I don't even think I spelled that right. Whatever happened to that show? Come to think of it, I don't own the Care Bears either. Damn.   
  
Well, where should we start? How about where Shenlong is once again summoned for a wish? Sound good? Does to me.  
Shenlong stretched to the sky, and waited until he was loosened up before he looked down on whom had called him forth. There were two of them. One was the short, bald fighter... his name was Krillin, if Shenlong remembered correctly. The other was the scarred face fighter, Yamcha.   
"What is it?" the dragon asked, annoyed. The two shifted a little uncomfortably, and seemed to be discussing something to each other. Shenlong made a point of rolling his eyes, but they didn't seem to notice. Didn't they realize he didn't have all day? Did they even care? He watched them for a moment longer, as they seemed to decide on something, and then looked up at him.  
"Oh great Shenlong," Krillin called out, "Can you tell us if Tien and Choatzu are... well..."  
"We want to know if they're gay!" Yamcha finished for him. Shenlong sweat dropped and stared at them for a very long time. The two shifted again.  
"Is this beyond your power?" Yamcha asked.  
"No, it's just that... I've never been asked anything like this. Couldn't you ask them yourselves?"  
"Well, yeah, but..." Krillin started. He was having a hard time with this.  
"If the answer was "no", they'd be really mad at us for thinking that, and wouldn't talk to us anymore. If it were "yes", we'd be really uncomfortable then, and would feel pretty inadequate, and what if they lied about it? Would it be really obvious that they're lying, or would we not be able to tell? Besides, it's hard enough just to ask, believe me, we tried!" Yamcha said. Shenlong closed his eyes, and just started shaking his head back and forth, mumbling to himself. Finally, he opened his eyes, and looked down at them.  
"Look, I don't have time for this," he said, and disappeared back to wherever it is he goes, as the dragon balls scattered across the planet, leaving an arguing Krillin and Yamcha.  
"I just know they're gay, we'll settle this bet, one way or another!" Yamcha said.  
"Doesn't he have to grant our wishes? That's sorta in the job description. I have ten bucks riding on this, and I don't want to be the one to ask them," Krillin said.  
"Maybe Piccolo can help us out, he might know."  
"What are you saying?" Krillin asked.  
"Just that since Piccolo trained with them a little bit more in the past few years, he might know."  
"Oh, I thought you meant that Piccolo was... you don't think, do you?" Krillin  
"Well, he is pretty close to Gohan," Yamcha said.  
"Ten bucks says he isn't."  
"You're on! Uh, how do we find out?"  
"We hint, very heavily, to Gohan," Krillin said. With that, the two flew off to find Gohan. Along the way, Krillin wondered why Shenlong was always in such a hurry, and mentioned this to Yamcha. After a brief conversation, another bet ensued.  
  
But, why is Shenlong always in a hurry? To find this out, we will follow him after he disappeared.  
  
There was a line again. Dammit! He would never get through this in time for Dougie Hauser reruns. Shenlong was standing in a very long line of wish granters, who were filling out forms about the wishes they had granted, so that it was all nice and legal, and when the universe was destroyed, they knew whom to blame. Another dragon floated up behind him.  
"Hey Porunga. You too?"  
"Yeah, they wanted some damn seeds to plant."  
"I thought Nameks didn't eat," Shenlong said.  
"They can if they want, but it's a lot easier to just drink water."  
"Yeah, I guess. Didn't they have enough seeds?"  
"Yeah, they just thought it'd be a good idea to have some extras," Porunga explained.  
"You should've heard the one I got. They asked me if a friend of theirs was gay." Porunga shook his head in knowing compassion. "It was so much easier when they wished all their friends back to life, but now that they're in peace, they have nothing worthwhile to do."  
"So, what'd you do?" Porunga asked.  
"I told them I didn't have time for that, and just left."  
"Smart move," Porunga said. The line moved forward, but it wasn't until several hours later that Shenlong and Porunga made it to the front desk.   
"What do you mean you didn't grant their wish?" the secretary asked, nasally.  
"All they wanted was to know the answer to a stupid question that they could easily find out themselves!" Shenlong snapped.   
"You know the rules."  
"Look, I've had a long day, just write down: Did not grant wish, and I'll deal with it when someone comes asking about it!"  
"I can't do that." The secretary sneered, but poor Shenlong was on his last nerve. His eyes started to glow red, and suddenly, the secretary was gone, never to be heard from again. Shenlong quickly left the scene, and was not contacted about the failure to grant the wish.   
  
  
  
  
"What a great Dougie Hauser!" Shenlong said, as he turned off his TV. That show was the only thing that could tear him away from his paradise, that and the damn wish granting. He got up from his very large couch, and went to the opening of his dragon cave. Spread out before him, was a vast land a soft pink floor, which looked suspiciously like cotton candy. Lollipop trees' branches hung down, loaded with fruits of jellybeans and licorice. An ocean of milk chocolate to his right, and a lake of white chocolate to his left. Care Bear-like animals held hands as they skipped across the plain in a singsong manner. Skittles, instead of cobblestone, lead a path into the distance, as pixie stix grasses swayed in the gentle breeze. Boulders of jawbreakers occasionally dotted the landscape and gingerbread men were abundant this year, as could be seen as they ran haphazardly across the plains, laughing as they played their little gingerbread man games.  
Shenlong could stand it no longer, and ran out to meet them. He frolicked across the pixie stix grasses, and laughingly joined hands with the Care Bear-things as they skipped to and fro. Soon, bunnies joined in, white, fluffy, bunnies. They formed a circle and played ring-around-the-rosy, laughing gleefully when they all fell. Shenlong rolled in the pixie stix grass, which was surprisingly soft and comfortable, with his little friends. Unfortunately, he was giggling so hard, that his humongous tail flopped around and thumped the ground wildly, and hit a random bunny rabbit, killing it instantly.   
All noise was silenced, and everything turned to look at Shenlong. His tail was covered in bunny rabbit blood and bunny rabbit chunks, with bunny rabbit hair plastered to it. The dragon looked at the spot where Mr. Bunny had been, but all it was now, was just a muddle of flesh, blood, and bones. A blemish on this perfect, happy world. Nothing could be the same. There was now a death in the family and someone must pay, and that someone was Shenlong. The Care Bear things, the Gingerbread Men, and the Bunny Rabbit horde turned to look at Shenlong evilly, baring their fangs and claws. The dragon gulped nervously, as they leapt upon him, savagely. They tore at his skin as they took revenge, cannibalistic-mob style. Well, maybe not cannibalistic. Think piranhas.   
Shenlong howled in pain and confusion as his little "friends" attacked him. He could feel the warm, sliming liquid ooze all over his body, as he wondered if he would die. Then, he realized that he could fight back; he would not die like this! Snapping his jaws, he brought them down on several anonymous creatures, as his tail flailed wildly. He chomped on a new animal, every time he swallowed one. He thrashed, and they bit. He gnawed, and they clawed. Blood squirted everywhere, as the battle raged on between the giant and the dwarfs. Blood squirted everywhere, and the pixie stix grass broke all around them as they smacked into it. The sugary substance flowed out all over them, mingling with the blood and guts and sticking to everything.   
Bunnies and Care Bears flew in all directions, while helpless gingerbread men were swallowed whole. A small regimen of those Easter peeps showed up to assist the bunny army, but half of them were afraid of blood, and when they got close enough to see the carnage, just left. The other half advanced on the dragon, but when they reached the mixture of blood and sugar, became stuck in it, and unable to move. The bunnies were not happy at this little development. Some Care Bears had run off to sharpen the candy cane trees into sharp spears and now returned, distributing to their forces. As spear after spear was launched at him, Shenlong flicked his tail in front of their path to block them, and when they hit, they merely shattered or bounced off. In the end, the savage demons were defeated, and a very battered dragon was left, panting for air. He had won, but at what cost?   
His friends were gone now. If only he could wish them back. If only he could grant himself a wish, but... That was it! He hadn't granted Yamcha and Krillin their wish, but he soon realized how little he cared, and called up Porunga to see if he wanted to go to the bar for a drink.   
  
THE END!  
  
  
  
  
  
Vegeta: What the hell was that?  
Goku: (horrified) You... killed the... bunny rabbits... and the Care Bears...  
Author: Excuse me?  
Vegeta: I killed the Care Bears!  
Goku: (wailing) They're all dead!  
Author: Actually, you just severely injured the writers and mortally wounded a producer.  
Vegeta: If you don't shut up, I'll do the same to you!  
Author: (nervously and hurriedly) So concludes this week's fan fiction.   
  
  
  
  
A/N: This fic is great, but it's really, really disturbing. 


End file.
